Things that I have heard myself say today

'Did you just take a bite out of my shower cap?'

'Can you take your head out of there, please?'

'How did you get poo on your knee?'

'Oh. That's how you got poo on your knee.'

'Have you ever seen Mummy dive head first off the sofa into the ball pool? No you bloody well haven't.'

'No, that's an orange, not a "nanana". You're getting orange and banana mixed up. It's important we say the right word for the right fruit. Can you say orange?'

*Four hours later, brandishing an orange and trying to diffuse a tantrum:*

'Would you like a nanana? Look! Mummy's got a nanana!'